Thursday, August 20
Reflection: Over the last several weeks, I’ve been experiencing increasing joint pain. It radiates into different areas of my body, sometimes dull, sometimes sharp. And despite my best efforts to exercise and stretch daily, ice what hurts, take recovery days when I need them, and even check my Apple Watch for reassurance that I’m doing pretty well for my age, the fact is this: When my body sends me messages of pain, my thoughts can spiral quickly. “Of course you’re hurting. You went through premature ovarian failure at 34. The doctor told you your bones could become brittle. You probably didn’t take good enough care of yourself. Are you even paying attention to your nutrition? Think about all the women you know who are mothers and the pain they experienced during childbirth. You’ve never even been pregnant. You can’t imagine that kind of pain. Buck up. This is middle age. Your body is going to hurt forever.”
Even writing those words makes me cringe. Would I ever speak this way to someone I loved? Of course not. I would never betray someone I love with such hateful words. And yet, somewhere along the way, I learned to speak this way to myself. Then I came across the quote above. I realized these thoughts didn’t begin with this recent joint pain. They’ve been rummaging around in my head since I was 33 years old. They’re automatic.That tape starts playing before I even realize I’ve pressed play. That's because it’s familiar and I believe it. This is my unconscious becoming conscious and now that I can hear it, I have a choice about whether I continue to let it speak for me.
So I’ve decided to start catching myself. When the pain comes and that old tape begins playing, I’m practicing a different dialogue:Thank you, beautiful body. I hear you.Let’s figure out what you need. Let’s move when movement feels good. Let’s rest when rest is needed. Let’s get you checked out. And while we’re figuring this out, I’m not going to punish you for hurting.
Because even with the pain, I keep showing up. I wake up and intentionally move my body. I exercise. I walk. I stretch. I use the lotions and ointments that help. I take care of her and lately, I’ve been reminding myself: This is the only body you’ve got, girl. You gotta love her.
Maybe learning to love our bodies isn’t something we accomplish once and then check off the list. Maybe it’s a lifelong relationship. One where we learn to listen. One where we repair the way we speak to ourselves. One where we stop comparing our bodies and our pain to everybody else’s. My pain does not need to compete with another woman’s pain to be real.
My body does not need to look like, function like, or have experienced the same things as another woman’s body to be worthy of care. Different means different. That’s all. I made an appointment with my primary care doctor because loving my body also means listening when she asks for attention. I want to make sure everything is okay and understand what might be causing the pain. And if some of these aches turn out to simply be part of moving through midlife? So be it. They will not stop me from moving. But I also don’t have to shame myself through them. -Adriana Rodriguez-Baptiste
Subscriber Spotlight:
Self Care Tip: Schedule the appointment you’ve been putting off. See your primary care doctor.Make your annual GYN appointment. Schedule your mammogram. Pay attention when your body speaks. And maybe, just as importantly, pay attention to how you speak back.Your body has carried you through every single day of your life.Learn to love on this body of yours. It’s the only one you’ll ever have. And she deserves far more of your love than your criticism.
