Thursday, October 15
Reflection: Recently, I was walking through Dollar Tree, and then later through the farmers market, and everywhere I looked there were signs that the holidays are coming. Halloween decorations. Thanksgiving decorations. Christmas decorations. All of it seemed to be arriving at once. And I remember having this little moment of, "Oh. Here we go."
The holidays are near. Nothing had actually happened yet. I wasn't sitting around a holiday table. No one had asked me an uncomfortable question. I wasn't watching children open presents or navigating family traditions that sometimes remind me of the life I don't have. I was just walking through a store looking at decorations. But I noticed something happening inside of me. And when I came across Mary Oliver's words, “Attention is the beginning of devotion,” I started thinking about what it means to really pay attention to ourselves.
What if noticing is actually a form of care? For women who are childless not by choice, the holidays can bring up so many different emotions. And sometimes those feelings begin long before the actual holiday arrives.
It might be the first Christmas display you see in October. The family pajamas advertisement. The ornament that says "Baby's First Christmas. Someone casually mentioning what they're doing with their kids this year. Or simply realizing that another holiday season is approaching and your life still looks different from the one you once imagined. Sometimes the hardest moments aren't even the ones we prepared for. They're the little reminders we weren't expecting. And I think many of us become really good at pushing through those moments.
-I'm fine.
-It's not even the holidays yet.
-Why am I already feeling this?
-I'll deal with it when I get there.
But what if attention is the beginning of devotion because paying attention gives us information? What if instead of judging what comes up, we become curious about it?
-What am I feeling?
-What do I need?
-What am I already anticipating?
-What would help me feel supported this year?
I am learning that taking care of ourselves doesn't have to begin after something hurts. We can pay attention sooner. Maybe you already know that a certain gathering tends to leave you depleted. Maybe there's a question someone asks every year that you are tired of answering. Maybe there is a tradition you genuinely love and want to keep. Maybe there are traditions you've outgrown. Maybe there are people you want more time with this year and others you need a little more space from. Maybe you want to create something completely new. That information matters.
We don't need to wait until we are overwhelmed to decide that our emotional experience deserves care. And preparation doesn't mean assuming the holidays are going to be terrible. It means knowing ourselves well enough to recognize what we may need.**
-Maybe this year you leave the gathering a little earlier.
-Maybe you decline an invitation without writing an entire paragraph explaining why.
-Maybe you start a tradition that belongs completely to you.
-Maybe you plan something in December that has nothing to do with the holidays and everything to do with bringing yourself joy.
-Maybe you spend more time with people who make you feel seen.
-Maybe you give yourself permission to enjoy the parts of the holidays you genuinely love without deciding that enjoying them somehow means your grief is gone.
And when grief does show up, maybe you don't immediately try to talk yourself out of it. You just notice it.
"Hey girl, there you are."
Because perhaps attention is also how we learn to stop abandoning ourselves when something becomes uncomfortable. We notice, listen, and then we respond with care.
Subscriber Spotlight:
Self Care Tip: Before the holiday season gets busy, ask yourself: “What do I already know I'm going to need this year?" Think about the people, gatherings, traditions, expectations, and emotions that tend to come with this season. What do you want more of? What do you want less of? Where might you need a boundary? What could you put on your calendar now that gives you something to look forward to? And what are you already noticing in yourself as the holidays begin appearing around you? You don't have to wait until something hurts to begin taking care of yourself. Paying attention to yourself can be an act of devotion, too.
Speaking of paying attention to what we need:
Tuesday 10/20/26, I’ll be joining Childless Collective for a conversation about navigating the holidays when you're childless not by choice. We'll be talking honestly about some of the emotions this season can bring up and ways we can care for ourselves as we move through it. I'm especially looking forward to being in a space where we don't have to explain why the holidays can feel complicated, because this experience can already be isolating enough. We shouldn't have to navigate the season alone.
